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Love Island: Shortest relationship of all time

A recording of Ben and Alex's short and sour love story has been leaked to Chess For Animals. The recording encapsulates the faulty foreplay, astonishingly quick peak and absolutely brutal climax to a (so-called) relationship, which all in all lasted less time than it takes for Ben to comb his hair in the morning.

"Like, I know it's only been a couple of minutes since recoupling but like, I feel I've probably made the right decision and I'm actually excited to invest time into you now; which is nice for me. Before I just felt like, I was making the best of a bad bunch, but now like, I can see you've got real depth and stuff which is exactly what I'm looking for.


Before we do bits and stuff, I just want you to know like, I'm not in here to play games and shit, I'm here to find a girlfriend. I've had my days as an absolute lad and stuff like... How many people have I slept with? I don't know like, 200ish, but none of them have ever taken the time to get to know me like you have.


Already I feel like, I want to leave here with you, I want you to meet my mum and dad and like; will you be my girlfriend and stuff? Hold that thought for one second; I've got a text!




This afternoon two new lovely ladies will be entering the villa; choose two boys to take them out for a cheeky welcoming chat this evening.


#freshbits #ladybits"


Yes what? Oh, like, I was happy with you, but like, I need to see if I could be happier with any of the new girls, before I tie myself down and stuff. Plus, like, you're not exactly Michael Mcintyre love, would be nice to have a laugh now and then and stuff."


-Ben Collard


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